February 2003

 
London, England

In dark corners, in certain circles, a whisper has been spoken.  Barely heard, it points to a dangerous and dark new future for the wizarding world.  About a rising political faction intent of taking over.

They have named themselves the Librarians, possibly due to their love of knowledge.  And unlike He Who Must Not Be Named, their coup will not be bloody.  In fact, unless you have your ear to the ground, you might not even know that it’s occurring at all.  And the wizarding world has already seen the first steps in this coup.

Maria LeGrot, an obvious Librarian puppet, announced that The Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter, would take over as head of the MLE.  Potter, who has been an auror for three months, knows nothing of his new masters.

“Of course he doesn’t know,” says an auror who now works under Potter.  “He’s the savior of the wizarding world, after all.  He wouldn’t be part of a take over.”

“Not in this lifetime,” a source close to Potter says.  “The very idea is ridiculous.”

However, sources are not so sure about Madam LeGrot’s culpability in the take over.

“She has all sorts of people who show up without appointments,” a secretary at the Ministry reveals.  “Known dark witches and the like.  I wouldn’t trust her.”

The Librarians are rumored to be behind many of the recent shocking events that have occurred in the wizarding world, starting with the Dark Mark seen in Hogsmeade Halloween night.  The secret society also orchestrated the murders perpetrated by Anthony Goldstein and Megan Jones, lately of the Ministry’s holding cells, and the recent half percent drop in the value of the galleon.

“They’re in all parts of the government and society,” reveals the Quibbler’s source.  “And if you resist their plans, you’ll disappear faster than a wink.”

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Cardiff, Wales

“It shoulda killed him on th' spot,” an inmate in Cardiff’s muggle jail babbles, mouth practically foaming.  “He was dead, I know’d it!” 

The “he” is question is supposed to be one Captain Jack Harkness, an American working somewhere in Cardiff.  Harkness, a mysterious figure often seen wearing clothes out of the 1940s is said to have been shot in the head with a muggle fired-arm.  The fired-arm, a piece of muggle technology that projects an object called a bull-it, does considerable damage to the human body.

“Impossible,” declares Arthur Weasley, a self-declared expert in muggle technology.  “Guns [another term for fired-arms] are deadly.  A blow to the head by one would surely be fatal to a muggle.”

Harkness could not be found for questioning and the Cardiff police force has declared that the suspect in custody is mentally unfit for trial.

Kneazle Returns Home After 15 Years

Luna Lovegood

Sooty the kneazle has led quite an interesting life.  As a kitten she lived with devoted owner Tryphena Orson in Congleton. 

“She ran away when I was six,” Orson says.  “I think it was because I used to dress her in doll clothes.  I was such a silly girl.”

Now, fifteen years later, Sooty has made a miraculous reappearance, a clue to where she’s been stamped right into her fur: muggle passport stamps!

“It took forever to clean them all off,” Orson revealed.  “She had ones from the Americas and Russia, Greece and South Africa.  I guess she just thought she needed to get away.”

Lethifold-lypo
Frank Zangari

Papua New Guinea

Witches and wizards of all walks of life are flocking to the islands in the Pacific Ocean for the latest weight-loss craze.  Dubbed lethifold-lypo by its creator, Guntur Santoso, the procedure involves the magical beasts sucking fat out of the body.

“Lethifolds usually ingest the whole body,” Santoso explains.  “And on average only need to eat every six months.  But if they only eat the fat deposits in the body, then the patient is not harmed and they’re ready to feed again after only a few days.”

The procedure costs anywhere between five and ten thousand galleons, depending on how much fat needs to be removed.  The waiting list is said to be two years long.

Ares –
As Mars aligns itself with Venus, a friend will ask you why you have oysters stuck to your chest. When confronted about this, just slap them on the cheek and say "Trust me, I'm a stomach!" You can then proceed to slap yourself with a rubber glove for good luck.

Taurus –
Venus has entered a rather sensitive stage which means generosity is the key to happiness. Hand out rainbow-coloured plastic glasses to everyone and insist they wear them for protection against elephants and aliens. You will not be mauled by giant gibbons.

Gemini –
Your ruling planet has hired a Quidditch player to orbit around the earth 12 times and cause a shift in time. This means you can now avoid that stupid mistake you made last week when you pretended to be a disappointed snail in order to impress that hot guy you met. 

Cancer –
The lunar phase guarantees success within any kind of change so act now! Start a fan club devoted to squids and encourage everyone called Emma to join. This can be an excellent way to make some extra money to fund your new musical toilet seat collecting hobby.

Leo –
The sun is running the last leg of Scorpio which is a good time for any Leo to start thinking about their future. Throwing soap at chimps can cause your skin to transform into an unfamiliar compound. Its time you suppressed your feelings for bacon by placing a block of fudge on your lawn and setting fire to it.

Virgo –
Mercury's motion brings bad news! You have been cheated by your best friend who decided it was time stuff flowers up their nose and morph into an emperor penguin. You love fog and you love to bark at raisins. Combine the two and you have a recipe for something amazing!

Libra –
Venus has entered the 4th house which means not even the heaviest elephant can cause you to fear aliens any more! Do not think about writing your autobiography until you have found a cure for your scabies.

Scorpio –
Pluto brings about instability in all your affairs! Do not let onions damage your unborn children. Such a situation will have you struggling to sniff glass and will depress lesbians and hermits. Practise stuffing yourself inside an envelope and posting yourself to the nearest Pizza Hut.

Sagittarius –
There may be trouble ahead. Jupiter has got diarrhoea and your neighbour's cat is thinking of prosecuting you for faking his signature. The next time you buy rat toys for your Mother, use your own credit card instead of stealing someone elses. Find some time to clean your eyeball if you can.

Capricorn –
Saturn's movements bring about a phase of bad luck and warm cheese. Your kitchen frying pan suspects you of spending too much money on bricks and chlorine. Relax and be prepared to teach your shoe how to recognize an infected stomach.

Aquarius –
Uranus has entered an esoteric phase which means you will find steam powered bananas both hilarious and depressing. Help a tiger pop a few blisters on his rump and you will be in heaven for at least 2 weeks. Avoid cheering for manatees at tennis matches. 

Pisces –
Neptune demands that you sniff a juicy marker for at least 2 weeks and avoid your kitchen - the vegetables in your fridge are preparing to dance and play the fiddle as soon as they see you reach for the milk. Find a warm trumpet and sell it to dancing fish cakes.